


prelude to being human

by candidshot



Series: episodes [16]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Best Friends, Comforting Magnus Bane, M/M, Protective Alec Lightwood, Protective Magnus Bane, Twisted and Fluffy Feelings, supportive boyfriends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-18
Updated: 2018-09-14
Packaged: 2019-05-08 06:38:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14688558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/candidshot/pseuds/candidshot
Summary: Catarina consoles Magnus and reports on Alec's condition.Magnus also remembers his promise to brew Alec some of his special shampoo.But Magnus still feels useless and starts to indulge in drinking.Ragnor shows up and just maybe Magnus will have the strength to go see Alec.prompted by S03ep02, ep09 & ep10





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Post 3x10 Magnus lost his magic and is feeling bad about not being able to help Alec.   
> Catarina goes to help.

Before she even gets to the door, Catarina can hear the piano notes crawling up to her – that somber overture of Magnus pouring out his sadness – musical notes falling heavy and filling the loft with the weight of menace – as though taunting Magnus that he’s helpless when it matters most.

Catarina enters the penthouse on tiptoes, holding her breath – afraid to say hello, afraid her voice might crack – they’d been friends since forever and have been through a lot but a Magnus without his powers – a Magnus powerless and unable to save the man he loves, she has no idea how to deal with that.

_Would Ragnor know?_ she asks herself, walking in holding her breath.

Chopin chips away on the piano as Magnus braces back into the couch, he legs stretched out, his hands behind his head, his eyes closed. He might’ve lost his power… his magic… but he still knows Catarina like the back of his hands and so as soon as she enters he asks, “Alec?”

Seemingly still walking on tiptoes, almost as if compelled to move to the haunting beat of the piano keys hitting - she walks over then kneels before him and kisses his knees, “Conscious”, she kisses his knees again, feeling guilty that she couldn’t help the _other problem_ \- so consoling him as best as she can, “He’ll be alright, Magnus”.

And over and over, the piano's somber tune rolls on repeat - Magnus’s head is still braced back, he doesn’t say anything but Catarina takes note of his sigh. “Thank you”, he said, relieved, removing his hand from behind his head and bringing it forward for her to take.

Catarina doesn’t wait a second for within that very moment – as though she’d prayed and fasted for this chance, she throws herself in Magnus’s arms and hugs him tight, crying – silent tears wetting her eyes and running down to salt her mouth, “It will be alright Magnus”, she weeps, gripping tightly into his coat that's still dusty from Edom - and burying her face in his chest – really, her plan was to be strong – to stay strong for Magnus who’d just sacrificed a part of him – or rather parts of himself; but with the love of his life almost taken away… it feels like his double sacrifice is almost for nothing.

He hugs Catarina tight and buries his entire face in her neck, and she can feel his tears, hot and raging - grieving as they wet her, scorch her... mark her… stay long enough and Magnus’s tears would from head to toe soak her. “He’ll be OK, Magnus…”, she hushes, “For sure I’ve got your back. I’ll definitely bring Alec back to you where he belongs”.

The piano notes were still thick on the stereo, clenching hold of Magnus’s heart and all the more he hugs her like he fears her going far faraway too, “Thank you”, he says, rubbing her back, knowing full well that Catarina is also in pain watching him - he knows she's also at a loss at what to do. “I guess starting today I’ll need to spread the bed with my two hands”, he chuckles, a stifled sound made but it’s not bitter. “Good thing I properly took showers and washed my hair like a mundane instead of magically doing them”.

Her hug tightens around him and so did his around her, the last bit of his armour falling – and so does Chopin wrapping around their hearts, making it sad and heavy but also a moment of reflection— Magnus now mortal, really makes his time with Alec all the more fleeting – their quarrel from earlier, now meaningless. 

“I promised to brew him a bottle of shampoo”, Magnus starts, his face all messy from his unstoppable tears – blotchy makeup he can’t even fix. He laughs, heavy… thunderous, sad— much different from the heavily punctuated keys lifting off the piano, “I’m useless now, Catarina”, he cries, his sniffles echoing in the room, “I can’t even save the man I love. I’m nothing… it’s as though Magnus Bane died and the man he loves also almost died because he couldn’t save him”. Magnus stops and gasps, catching his breath before the sorrow chokes him, “But I need to brew him his shampoo... and when he comes home, I’ll wash his hair for him”.

She hugs him the tightest she can… so tight that he feels the bone in her wrists trying with all their might to soothe him, reminding him that she’s there for him – and so is Alec in mind, spirit and most definitely— body.

“I’m sure he’s looking forward to it”, she tells him soothing him over still wrapped in a tender hug, “He also said that since you enjoy taking showers so much, that he’s looking forward to you bathing him until his hand gets better”.

Magnus chuckles – but again, it's heavy— sounding muffled and suffocating like he’s gasping for oxygen.

The piano strums.

The keys drop.

And sadness takes its seat beside helplessness.

And Magnus sits between them—

But they’ll be alright— him and Alec.

Surely.

:::

_magnus x alec_


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus turns to drinking.  
> Ragnor pays Magnus a visit.  
> Magnus finally visits Alec.  
> They talk things out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The tone might've shifted a bit from part 1 but the idea and direction remains the same so I hope you'll have a good read XD

That cliffhanger— that near possibility that Alec was gone to a place where Magnus’s hands would never be able to reach— this dramatic suspense has Magnus twisted in severe bouts of nausea and belly cramps.  

For a week now, his body has been feeling heavy even though his inside feels hollow… and to confuse furthermore, his emotions are like an awkward tie and dye of dizzying patterns and sombre colours. For an entire week he’d stopped himself from seeing Alec… not for fear of Alec seeing the bags underneath his eyes from tears and sleepless nights, but this time Magnus is sure that Alec would see the ugly part of him, a man truly broken and lost and less than everything without his magic.  

Being human,

The only thing Magnus stayed good at is mixing cocktails but even then, he’d underestimated his tolerance.

“You look like crap”, a voice out of nowhere says to him.

And it’s with full speed that Magnus turns and in that instant, he isn’t sure if he’s sad or relieved, “…Ragnor”.

With a raised eyebrow and an intrigued smile dangling on his lips, Ragnor replies, “Your tone suggests you miss me so things must be awfully bad”, he takes a seat on the arm of the couch, “What happened to your usual cocky sassiness?” 

And it’s only then that Magnus resets to reality – his tolerance for alcohol had fallen really low, he thinks. But he needs the company so he takes another sip, “Don’t just turn up uninvited”.

“Nice try but I believe you’re the one who invited me”, Ragnor smugly answers, crossing his legs and waiting, “Go on – just ask yourself and he’ll tell you just how much you need me right now”.  

Magnus groans and turns the glass around and round in his hands but it’s not because Ragnor suddenly appears in his living room why he’s preoccupied in thoughts, “It’s your fault, you know”, he eventually says.

“How is it you looking like a shabby vagrant my fault?”

Magnus takes another sip and again he’s looking into space, his mind distant like a cluttered soul, “There’s this painful thing scraping and gnashing in my chest”, his fists clench, “Ragnor, I’m powerless— the second I thought I could have them both is the very second I completely lost one and very nearly lost the other”. He inhales, releases and pauses again, staring into blank some more, “If Alec had died, I’d have lost everything… and all for nothing”.

“But he didn’t die, did he?” he sits in front of Magnus who then releases a long frustrated sigh so Ragnor adds, “Put it this way, perhaps if you hadn’t done what you did then he would’ve indeed died”.

And at this, Magnus looks at him wide-eyed and confused.

“Magnus, at the time you did what you thought you had to do— sure, it didn’t go exactly how you planned it but in the end you saved him— you saved them both and that boy will spend the rest of his life owing it to you”.

Magnus inhales again, puts away the cocktail and wipes his hand across his face exhaling, “Why did he have to be a shadowhunter?”

Ragnor is puzzled but also amused with the way he’s smiling, “Would a woodpecker be better?”

“Maybe”, Magnus replies in a manner of fact like he really believed so, “As long as he’s Alexander, then he could be anything. Besides, a woodpecker would be far easier to protect”.

And Ragnor has to laugh this time, “Love really drives people crazy, doesn’t it?” From the very start, Ragnor had an inkling of what Alec meant to Magnus, but never got the chance to see Magnus this in love, “I mean, surely you love him for his individual traits but I’m also sure that a good chunk of that comes from him being a shadowhunter and besides, what business would a warlock have with a woodpecker?”

“I don’t know”, Magnus shrugs, reaching for his drink again, “Many things, I suppose”, he pauses to contemplate, swirling around the cubes of ice in his glass, “Things like… locating a missing feather or sharpening his beak or finding him the yummiest tree to peck on— the possibilities are endless”.

“Or maybe you need to see the doctor too, you lovesick whacko. And while you’re at it, don’t forget that if you spend too long regretting the past then it will only be a matter of time before you become as useless as a woodpecker with rubber lips”, and in a fading echo Ragnor tells him, “Magnus, with much haste, start making peace with the past and thankfully salvage the present”.

.

Magnus is standing still at the door of Alec’s room when he hears, “Get your beautiful ass in here”.

Slowly, as though walking on tiptoes he enters with his eyes overflowing with more feelings than words can express, “I thought you were asleep”.

“Well you thought wrong”, Alec answers him with a tiny smile on the bridge of his lips, “I was getting nervous waiting – fretting that you might be getting weird ideas about blaming yourself and breaking up with me again”, and with the smile now full on his lips his relief is also clear in his exhale as he reaches out his good hand for Magnus to take, “So talk to me, what’s on your mind?”

Taking Alec’s hand in his, Magnus sits on the edge of the bed where silent moments pass with him only looking at Alec’s bandaged hand and shoulder and when ready he says, “Alexander, I thought you were—“, he stops to regather his thoughts, “Finding you when I did and not knowing if I’d lost you, I— I was terrified… I am terrified”, he voice cracks, “Back there, I was barely in time but what about next time? I’m terrified, Alexander, very terrified”.

“I am terrified too”, Alec tries to move his finger to squeeze their hands together, “But you came back as you promised and just as dramatic as mum said you would and while the result isn’t ideal, having this moment now - being with you once again is all that matters”.

But forgiveness shouldn’t come so easily, Magnus finds, sighing and tightening his hold around Alec, “Back and powerless”, he mumbles.

Watching him for a bit, Alec tries sitting up in bed, “You remember that time just before my almost fiasco of a wedding to Lydia— that time when I lashed out at you about you wanting me to give up my life for you?” Magnus doesn’t react much but his eyes seem to beckon Alec to continue, “And yet, here you are… you gave up everything – you gave up your life for me and although my heart throbs with all that love you’re pumping into it, it also aches because being a warlock and being the High Warlock of Brooklyn are also parts of who you are. They’re two of many things that make you the charming and irresistible Magnus Bane”, Alec smiles but the mirth dwindles while he contemplates his next words, trying to control his feelings that are also regret and hurt, “But they were taken from you, Magnus – first you’re stripped of your title and now, you’ve sacrificed your magic and both times, it’s because of me”. And here, Alec swallows like it’s the hardest thing to do but before Magnus can stop him he quickly adds, “Magnus, I love you with all my heart and my two eyes and legs and all my pain but I still don’t know if I’m enough for you. I still don’t know if I’m deserving of you and it makes me so sad that there’s not one thing I can do to show you – you’ll never know how much I love you because I keep causing you trouble and—“

“And I would do it all again”, Magnus interjects, holding Alec’s hand and caressing his thumb and is smiling at him in a full dose of wholesomeness, “Alexander, I’ve trusted you since the first day we met and I trust you now… so if you say you love me then I believe you”. But even when Alec smiles soft and pure and full of gratitude it’s still clear he’s not fully convinced so Magnus goes, “For hundreds of years I’ve lived and yet, you were the first to have given me a gift without expecting anything in return”, he smiles at Alec all the more, kissing his knuckles, “And you know what the best part is?”

Alec shakes his head, “—No”.

And Magnus genuinely chuckles at the fond memory, “Well it’s not only the best part, it’s also the funniest part with a lot of innocent sweetness to it”.

Alec shuffles around on the bed some more, supposing that whatever it is, then it must be something good… though the trouble is, would it be good enough to make up for all the bad things? So he holds his breath, keeps his smile and waits for Magnus who reaches across and kisses his forehead then says, “To think that I, the High Warlock of Brooklyn and though an unintended secret to you back then, a prince of hell— to think that even though I am… was, an all-powerful demon, you still thought I was worth protecting— Alexander, that omamori is enough proof that you love me for free and you choose me and you never judge me and that you truly love me with everything you’ve got— eyes, legs, ears, heart and your aching thumb and shoulder and that in the same way my head has nothing but you in it, your head is also full of me and so if that doesn’t make you deserving of my sacrifices, then really, I’m of no benefit to you”.

Right then,

A tear hangs itself on the brim of Alec’s eyes waiting for him to blink— and when he does, a single tear runs down his face and opens his dam of emotions, “But you keep losing everything for me Magnus, and I don’t want that… I just want you safe and always happy”.

And it’s at this moment that Magnus kneels at the bedside, “Not even a newborn baby is safe and always happy”, and as those words pour from his heart and fall from his lips, happy grateful tears stream down his face, “And for the record, the things I do aren’t for you, they’re for us – it’s the effort I’m willing to put in because when you’re hurting then I’m also hurting… and if you’re sad then I’m also sad and so in the same way, if you’re happy, then I’m happy”.

A smile wet with tears is the colour of Alec’s face, “There really is no living without you, huh?”

And Magnus hugs him as best and as intimate as he could, “Not that you would let me”.

.

Once upon a time, Magnus could click his fingers and he and Alec would be back at his place— no sweat. Alec pretended not to have seen Magnus’s momentary slip at attempting to magic his way home in that split second he forgets he’s practically now human.

“I’ve already called Uber”, Alec casually tells him.

Magnus does well in hiding his feelings that always tend to surface on his face, but he’s already accepted that it will take him forever to get used to life as it is.

When they get to the loft Magnus asks, “Are you sure you didn’t want to stay home until you’ve fully recovered?”

“Are you kidding me?” Alec asks as though a bit hurt but his tone is playful as he says, “I haven’t seen you for a week and although we had a nice chat I’m not going to leave you to your thoughts – otherwise you’ll get weird again and start thinking unnecessary things— didn’t I just tell you this?”

Really,

Magnus really has to laugh.

Sometimes, it amazes him how Alec reads him like an open book, almost as if he’s been watching him constantly and keenly. “Then do you rather dinner or a bath? I suggest a bath first since it will take the delivery guys a while to get here”.

Alec nods, a fine smile on his lips and in his eyes as he replies, “I’ll teach you how to cook”.

With a smirk, Magnus quirks an eyebrow and asks, “You mean like how to make your stew?”

“Hey, be nice to the sick guy”, Alec giggles, holding his chest to ease the pressure that comes from too much laughing, “Besides, I made you great eggs, didn’t I?”

“So you expect me to eat eggs all the days of my life?”

“Well why not? Eggs are filled with protein”.

And just so,

They revel in each other’s teasing.

“Well, let’s start with your bath”, Magnus strips Alec of his clothes and follows him to the bathroom.  

It doesn’t take long before Alec is sitting in the tub while Magnus removes his bandages still stained with blood, and just when Magnus is about to yet again feel regret Alec tells him, “My hair needs a good scrubbing”, because he doesn’t need to see Magnus’s face to know what he’s thinking.

Because, if anyone is to be blamed, it was the two of them for falling in love with each other… and that’s why they’re bound like a blessing DNA-ed with a curse to share each other’s pain.

That’s just really how love works.

So just like that, Alec relaxes to the wet scent of lavender and lemongrass and already his wound is starting to hurt less.  

“You brewed this?” he asks, inhaling the scented shampoo as Magnus lathers his hair.

“I had nothing better to pass the time”.

And as Magnus’s fingers work their mortal magic cultivated from hundreds of years, a purr escapes Alec’s lips as his entire body, mind included, relaxes into the touch he’d come to love and can no longer live without. He feels a whole lot better but even so, the pain of recovering from a massive tear reaches all his muscles and he can’t ignore how the hole in his chest makes it harder to breathe, but he holds in the pain and tries hard against grimacing, knowing fully well that Magnus is watching him very keenly. Tilting his head back he says, “Magnus, you do know I love you no less, right?” grinning with soapy water running down his face, “Magic or not, it’s your abs and biceps I’m in love with”.

And Magnus laughs, full and hearty and genuine and it warms both their hearts, “So you only love for me for body, huh?” he giggles all the more, “I should’ve known”.

“Well what’s there not to love?” Alec replies, bubbles rising from his head and filling the room – Magnus is clearly using too much shampoo, “Besides, an apple a day keeps the doctor away, they say”, squeezing one eye shut as more soapy water runs down his face, but the one eye that stays open twinkles with utmost fondness, “You’re my apple, Magnus”.

Truly,

Magnus’s heart is on the verge of exploding into something pretty – perhaps coloured clouds of cotton candy as his lips part with a beautiful smile as he whispers, “Dear Alexander, I love you”.

“Of course you do”, Alec laughs, stretching to reach Magnus’s lips but moans instead as the pain grips him so he says, “Let’s rinse and go to bed”.

“You don’t mean…”

“Of course not”, Alec snickers with a look that accuses Magnus of thinking something naughty, “I just want to cuddle with the man who loves me so much that he practically gave up his life for me”.

“I did no such thing”, Magnus frowns.

“Well I beg to differ”, Alec retorts while getting the rest of his body washed and wiped, “But just know that I’d die for you”.

“Alexander, please don’t say that”.

“But it’s true”.

Magnus frowns and sighs again, “Well, to make things even, there’s no doubt that a life without you is not an option for me either”.

They really are like musical notes, the way those words float towards Alec and have his heart serenely sway like on a hammock swing in the warm orange of evening. “Let’s go to bed”.

Magnus dries and dresses him and as they climb into bed he asks, “Are we really going to sleep at 6:30 while the world is still busy? I’m very sure the woodpeckers are still pecking”.

“There are over a hundred and eighty species of woodpeckers”, Alec supplies most accurately, adjusting his head on the pillow and gesturing for Magnus to lie flat on his good side, “So I’m sure at least one of them is sleeping by now but either way, got something better to do?”

“No, not really”, Magnus giggles, pressing his ears just below Alec’s chest before saying, “Well, there is one, actually”, he hums, adjusting his head lower and to the centre, inhaling and exhaling with a smile, listening to the _thump thump ba bump lub-dub_ in Alec’s heart.

:::

_magnus x alec_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd love to know what you think XD  
> Thank you ^^


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